By Myron Jerome Greenbaum (AKA PlayaKilla)
Introduction
First of all, I want to thank you for downloading my Unofficial Strategy Guide for Pundit! — the new role playing game that lets you play as your favorite cultural critic. I know there are lots of strategy guides out there on the web for this kick-ass new RPG, so thanks for choosing mine. I think you’ll find it helpful.
This is none other than PlayaKilla, and I’ll be your humble (not!) host for these proceedings. Those of you who’ve been around the gaming world for a while no doubt already know ole PK from my previous strategy guides for games such as Peak Oil (Hint: whatever you do, don’t play as the Americans!) and Entertainment Lawyer (Hint: sign Leonardo early or live to regret it!). For you newbies out there, just sit back and let PK provide you with the mad skeelz you will need to get through this game — you’ll be dominating the airwaves in no time!
The Basics
As you probably already know (assuming you read the box before you bought it!), Pundit! is role playing game that allows you to fill the shoes of your favorite pedagogue, so the first thing you have to decide in creating a character is whether you want to play as a conservative or a liberal. Conservatives are attack characters, so if you’re the type who gets off on slinging wholesale slaughter about the playing field, this is the choice for you. Liberals are more defensive characters, so if you prefer to hang back and feel slightly superior to everyone caught in the fray, or if you reject the false tautology that sees violent confrontation as the only solution to conflict, this is the choice for you.
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Playing as a Conservative
So you’ve decided to play as a conservative. Good choice, IMHO. A killer combo of wicked attacks and a scorched earth approach to dealing with any and all adversaries makes conservatives the most fun to play. All conservative characters share one spell in common: FAUX OUTRAGE. As a conservative, FAUX OUTRAGE is your F1 attack, your most elemental response to any threat. Beyond that, you’ve got three characters classes to choose from, each of which has distinct strengths and weaknesses. I’ll deal with each of them separately below.
1. Ann Coulter
Coulter offers a wicked fast attack speed and is surprisingly durable for such a skinny little thing. Her main attacks are REPULSE and HARPY SHRIEK, both of which are deadly. But beware, HARPY SHRIEK loses its effectiveness the more you use it because enemies will become immune — the good news is that Coulter always retains her power to REPULSE. Another Coulter spell is QUESTION MASCULINITY, which can be highly effective against vulnerable targets. As you level up, put all of your experience points into STAMINA, because that’s pretty much all you’ll need with this character. Avoid INTELLIGENCE as it is no help whatsoever with her attack style. Some players will tell you to put points into SEX APPEAL but it did no good that I could see. When you reach Level 10, you can hire a mercenary – Michelle Malkin. Use her as canon fodder and then come in behind and sweep up with HARPY SHRIEK for a vicious 1-2 punch!
Helpful Hint: When playing as Coulter, drink the blood of your slain enemies for a power boost.
2. Rush Limbaugh
Limbaugh is a solid all-around character, offering stamina and great girth along with a medium-to-slow attack speed. His default attack is BLOVIATE. When you reach Level 10, you get access to a new spell, SUMMON DITTOHEADS, which conjures a swarm of mindless zombies. Send them in first as shock troops for major battles, then follow up with BLOVIATE to mop up any stragglers. Easy as that. As with Coulter, STAMINA is your go-to skill – your basic strategy is to just keep hitting the same notes over and over and over again.
Helpful Hint: When playing as Limbaugh, seek out hidden “Oxy Packs” for an extra boost of energy.
3. George F. Will
The least effective character on the conservative side. He’s got a slow, deliberative attack style and, worse yet, his main attack is DRY WIT, which is not particularly damaging. Put all of your experience points into LOGIC and INTELLIGENCE, as they’re pretty much his only strengths, but I’ve got to warn you, LOGIC and INTELLIGENCE will not get you far in Pundit! When you reach Level 10, you can hire a mercenary – Tucker Carlson. The less said about him, the better.
Level Bosses
Now let’s talk about the level bosses you’ll face playing as a conservative.
1. Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid
Weak. These two work as a tag team, but they’re not very effective fighters either together or alone. Before you face them, put on some decent armor, such as the Cloak of 9/11 or the Flag Lapel Pin. Soon as you see them, hit ‘em with QUESTION PATRIOTISM or WEAK ON DEFENSE a few times and they’ll go down hard. No muss, no fuss. Even George F. Will should be able to breeze through these two without breaking a sweat.
2. Barbra Streisand and Alec Baldwin
Moderately tough. Another tag team, these two show-biz types shouldn’t pose too much of a challenge. Hit them with HOLLYWOOD VALUES or LIBERAL ELITE to take them out. Beware their STAR POWER counter spell – it dazzles all characters within its radius, effectively blinding adversaries.
3. George Soros
Very tough. Soros is one of the most challenging level bosses in the game, if only because he has access to nearly unlimited resources. The trick here is to lure him out of his money den, then cut off his retreat and finish him off. Here’s the trick – use TRANSMUTE to disguise yourself as Arianna Huffington and invite him to brunch at Tavern on the Green. Then, when you’ve got him isolated, hit him hard with CONSPIRACY THEORY or possibly CHARGE BIAS. Whatever you do, don’t let him return to his money pit, because he’ll respawn and return stronger than ever!
End Boss: Billary, the Two-Headed Behemoth
So, young conservative, you’ve worked your way through all of the level bosses, now you think you’re ready to face the end boss. Not so fast. Because let me tell you, nothing you’ve encountered thus far comes anywhere close to what you’re up against now. Make sure you’ve reached at least Level 20 before even considering facing this adversary, because it’s a doosie: Billary, the Two-Headed Behemoth.
Billary is not a tag team so much as a single misshapen, symbiotic organism with four legs, two heads, and two sets of lawyers. Its default attack is DEADLY SLIME, which is viciously effective. One hit and your health bar will go down faster than Eliot Spitzer’s dinner date, so stay well out of spitting range! And be sure to stock up on STAMINA potions, because you’ll be needing them!
Some other Pundit! players will tell you that Billary is unkillable, but I’m here to tell you that it can be done, it just takes patience, cunning, and a hell of a lot of hit points. First use a DECOY spell to create a MONICA DECOY. Then, while you’ve got Bill distracted, hit Hillary with VOTED FOR IRAQ over and over and over. Don’t lay off, even if it doesn’t seem effective, because you’re wearing her down. When you’ve got her sufficiently weakened, it’s time to shift your focus to Bill. A lot of players try to hit him with IMPEACHMENT, but that’s a mistake. IMPEACHMENT has little or no effect on him. Instead, hit him with MARGINALIZATION – it’s a killer for him. Remember, they’re a single entity, so once you kill Bill, she’ll go down too, or vice-versa.
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Playing as a Liberal
So you’ve decided to play as a liberal. Hey, it’s your life. The problem with going liberal is that the other side gets all the cool attack spells and feels no compunction about using them – on you. Meanwhile you’re down in a defensive crouch, just trying to keep yourself alive! Still, it is possible to win playing as a liberal, it’s just less fun and requires a lot more persistence, sort of like, I don’t know, swimming the English channel or making it through a Merchant Ivory movie. All of the liberal pundits have a few basic spells in common, including CHARGE RACISM, CHARGE SEXISM, CHARGE HOMOPHOBIA, and CHARGE FASCISM. These are your default attacks as a liberal, so hotkey them in at F1 to F4 and deploy them early and often. You’d think they’d wear out over time but they never seem to lose their effectiveness. Just as with the conservatives, you’ve got three character classes to choose from on the liberal side, each of which has its own strengths and weaknesses.
1. Michael Moore
Best character on the liberal side, or at least the most fun to play. His main attacks are CHRONIC DISTORTION and STAGED EVENT, both of which serve him well. As you level up, put all your points into AUDACITY and SHAMELESSNESS, as they’re your only real skills. At Level 10, you can hire a mercenary: Morgan Spurlock.
Helpful Hint: When playing as Moore, pick up either MEDIA ATTENTION or CHICKEN BUCKET to give this character a major power boost.
2. Al Franken
His main attack is SARCASM, which can be effective but is limited since many level bosses on the conservative side are immune to irony. Put your experience points into TALENT, though, to be honest, talent is not much help in Pundit! At Level 10, you get access to a new spell, ELECTED OFFICE, which dramatically boosts your hit points and gives a +2 boost to BULLY PULPIT. You’re gonna need ‘em!
3. Keith Olbermann
A decent all-around character. His main attacks are SANCTIMONY and IMPASSIONED RANT, which hit hard but wear off quickly. At Level 10, you can hire a mercenary, Alan Colmes, who is not a whole lot of help.
Helpful Hint: When playing as Olbermann, pick up COMPARE TO MURROW to give this character a major power boost.
Level Bosses
Let’s look at the level bosses you’ll face playing as a liberal.
1. Michael Brown
Easy peazy, even for you pacifists. If you can’t get through Michael Brown, you’ve got no business playing Pundit! One hit from KATRINA ought to take him down. If he’s still standing after that, hit him with CHECK RESUME to finish him off.
2. Condi Rice
Moderately tough. Her main attacks are STRAW MAN and MUSHROOM CLOUD, both of which can be tricky in that you’re never quite sure who it is you’re fighting. She’ll keep sending her minions against you unless you can draw her out, so use a TRANSMUTE spell to disguise yourself as DICK CHENEY – when Condi spots him she’ll become enraged and come after you herself. Hit her with SPECTER OF VIETNAM or QUESTION COMPETENCY and that should take her out.
3. Karl Rove
Very Tough. The most difficult level boss in the entire game next to the big kahuna himself, whom we will meet below. Rove is a very wily adversary — his main attacks are INNUENDO and OBFUSCATION. Some players attempt to take him on directly, which is always a mistake – you’ll be dead before you know what hit you. With Rove, you have to adopt his own methods and come at him sideways. First thing, use DECOY to distract him with a JEFF GANNON DECOY, then when his attention is elsewhere, hit him over and over again with SUBPOENA. It won’t look like it’s having any effect, but eventually you’ll begin to see his health bar moving down – keep hitting him with SUBPOENA and REQUEST FOR WHITE HOUSE RECORDS until he’s buried. Once he’s dead, drive a stake through his heart just to make sure. Then burn the body. And scatter the ashes.
End Boss: Flightsuit George W. Bush
Okay, you’ve made it this far, but don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back just yet because there’s one heck of an end boss standing between you and final victory: George W. Bush — Flightsuit Edition. The first challenge with fighting him is getting to him – he’s cocooned within a protective bubble, so you’ll need to break through that first. Try using PRESS CONFERENCE to draw him out or, better yet, PHOTO OP DRESS UP, which he can’t seem to resist.
His main attack is DEADLY SMIRK, and he gets a huge power boost from CONDESCENSION. You might be tempted to hit him with SCANDAL, but guess what? He’s immune to SCANDAL, so you can forget that. Likewise with SUBPOENA, REQUEST FOR WHITE HOUSE RECORDS, QUESTION COMPETENCE and SPECTER OF VIETNAM. He’s immune to all of them! Nope, there’s only one spell that’s going to remove this baddie from the Oval Office. You’ve got to go nukular. That’s right: hit him with IMPEACHMENT.
But wait! You’re not done yet, because once Bush is defeated you’ll hear a horrible ripping sound and suddenly Dick Cheney comes tearing out of his skin. He’s been in there the whole time! And Cheney is even tougher than Bush. His main spell is GUTTURAL GROWL, which is a scorcher, plus he’s armed with a shotgun and, believe me, he’s not shy about using it – give him a decent shot and your ass is going to look like Harry Whittington’s face faster than you can say ‘unchecked executive power.’ So stay out of range and use DECOY to create a PATRICK FITZGERALD DECOY. When he goes after that with his shotgun, hit him with everything you’ve got, from HALLIBURTON SHARE PRICE to LAST THROES to FOUR DOLLAR GAS. If none of those work, he’s always susceptible to the LEGACY OF WATERGATE.
Well that’s it for my strategy guide. Congratulations, you are now an Expert Pundit! See ya on Fox News!
