Happy Valley Hoedown with The Fleshtones

Let the Kamper be perfectly clear, so there can be no misunderstanding: The Fleshtones are the funnest live band you will ever see.

I know whereof I speak, as I have partaken of my share of fun bands. So it is with great authority and supreme confidence that I again proclaim: The Fleshtones are the funnest live band you will ever see.

Oh really? you ask. What about the B-52s?

While concurring wholeheartedly that the B-52s are a heck of a lot of fun, I hereby assert that the Fleshtones are even funner.

Okay, you may say, but what about those wacky Go-Gos?

Sure, those gals were fun (especially back when Belinda was still chubby), but the Fleshtones are funner still.

Devo? Fun. Fleshtones = funner.

Don’t know the Fleshtones? Well, let’s see, they’re from Hitsburg, New York, they’ve got a song called “Shiney Hiney,” and they play their own patented brand of Superock, which they’ve been doing since 1976!

Just check ‘em out here, ripping up the Kamper’s fave tune.

So ask yourself a question. Are you ready for some Superock?

___ Yes! Sign me up for some Superock with the Fleshtones!

___ No. I prefer my current Superock-less existence, dismal as it may be.

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IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO THE ABOVE QUESTION.

Yeah! Supreme greetings to you, fun-seeking Superock fan! The Kamper has some good news for you, because the Fleshtones are on tour as we speak!! (Actually, the B-52s and the Go-Gos are also on tour right now. What year is this, 1982?)

The Fleshtones will be at Cafe Nine in New Haven, Connecticut on March 6 and at Harper’s Ferry in Boston on March 7. Haven’t decided yet which show I’ll be attending. Other upcoming gigs include Providence, RI; Baton Rouge, LA; San Antonio, TX; Austin, TX; Houston, TX; New Orleans; Buffalo, NY; Cleveland, OH (my hometown); Columbus, OH; and Rochester, NY. Then the ‘Tones jet off for their European tour.

So if you live near any of those towns and you like to have fun, you know what to do! (Hint: see the Fleshtones.)

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IF YOU ANSWERED NO TO THE ABOVE QUESTION.

Oh, hello there non-fun-loving person. Perhaps this music is more to your liking.

What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Ohio

This is an outrage! An OUTRAGE, I tell you. As a proud former Ohioan (that is, I’m proud to be a former Ohioan), the Kamper is incensed, appalled, sickened, aggrieved, affronted, and just plain hurt by the piece of Internet filth that hit my inbox this morning! I do not know who you are, Mr. or Mrs. D.A.J., but you owe a heartfelt apology to the noble residents of the great state of Ohio, whom you have slandered with the worst sort of calumny.

I beg you, dear reader, do NOT click on the link below. (But if you do, you’ll need Powerpoint.)

whatcelebritieswouldlooklikeiftheymoved1-1.ppt

8 Ways to Impress the Kamper

It seems that CNBC anchor Erin Burnett is receiving a lot of guff for an article she wrote for Men’s Health entitled “8 Ways to Impress Me.” The problem? The entire list — that’s right, all 8 items — consisted of ways that would-be suitors could spend money on her.

Here is the list (this is the real, unadulterated list, by the way, the jokes, such as they are, come later):

1. Pack Your Bags. Any guy who can plan a trip to an exotic locale, such as Mongolia, Mozambique, or Papua New Guinea, would impress me.
2. Buy Me a New Atlas and Globe — You could unlock my heart by allowing me to dream up my next trip. I love to travel, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 countries. I have many more to go.
3. Do Something Special for My Parents — Family is important to me, so round-trip business-class tickets to Australia and New Zealand for my parents would earn you big points in my book.
4. Relax Me — Yoga keeps me calm, so I’d be impressed if you thought to send a yoga instructor to my apartment for private sessions.
5. Help Me Work Out — Finding an exercise bike at my door would be great for rainy days when my Raleigh M80 mountain bike and I are stuck indoors.
6. Edify Me –Reading is a passion of mine, so a gathering with a couple of my favorite authors, especially Jared Diamond (Guns, Germs, and Steel) and Robin McKinley (The Blue Sword) would make for an exceptional evening.
7. Please My Palate –Hiring a personal chef to prepare meals for the few nights a week I am home would be unforgettable.
8. Send Me Packing –A man who recognizes the importance of my time with the girls is a keeper. A long weekend spa getaway for my sisters and me would be perfection.

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In the spirit of Erin Burnett, the Kamper has compiled a list of things that the ladies could do to impress me. I’ve used some of hers and come up with a few of my own. (Don’t get the wrong idea though, ladies — this list is strictly for educational purposes; Mrs. Kamper is the only one I kamp with!)

1. Pack Your Bags — Take me on an exciting adventure to an exotic destination: Agawam, Belchertown, Longmeadow, East Longmeadow, West Agawam. The possibilities are endless.

2. Buy Me a New Atlas and Globe — Actually, you can forget about the globe. I mean, where would I put the damn thing, in my teak-paneled office between the antique blunderbuss and stuffed warthog? But I could use a new atlas — a road atlas, that is. The old one is so outdated it doesn’t include the Louisiana Purchase.

3. Relax Me –Geez, do I need to spell it out for you?! I got stress over here — and the yoga just aint cutting it!

4. Edify Me –Just like Erin, reading is a passion of mine, but you’re going to have a hard time gathering up my favorite author, since L. Ron Hubbard is already dead. But it would impress me if you read through all ten volumes of his Mission Earth series — and no skipping Volume 7: Voyage of Vengeance or especially Volume 9: Villainy Victorious!

5. Please My Palate –Fix me up some Sloppy Joe. And don’t go trying to serve it up on plain old bread — go buy some some buns, for heaven’s sake. Show some class, woman! (Note: Tacos also acceptable.)

6. Stop by with some bubbly! That’s right, ladies, the Kamper likes his bubbly — seltzer, that is. So mosey on by with some Black Cherry Polar Seltzer and the Kamper definitely will be impressed. (Hint: Big Y has 12 packs on sale.)

7. Laugh at my jokes. All of them. Even if you’ve heard them before. Which most likely you have.

8. Volunteer for something or other. Look, this isn’t all about me. There are other people in this world, and some of ‘em may be down on their luck. So go and help out some refugees or homeless or something, especially if you can look like this while you’re doing it. Just don’t let it interfere with Sloppy Joe night.

How’d It Get Burned? How’d It Get Burned? How’d It Get BURNED? YouTube responds to Wicker Man

If you are a connoisseur of Bad Cinema then you no doubt are already intimately familiar with Neil LaBute’s lamentable 2006 remake of The Wicker Man, starring Nicholas Cage as a detective who gets more than he bargained for when he searches for a lost little girl on a mysterious island. Being a big fan of the original, the Kamper saw the remake during the first week of its theatrical run, and sometime around the time Nick Cage showed up in the bear outfit, I realized I was witnessing much more than just another bad movie. Sure enough, in just a few short years, The Wicker Man has emerged as perhaps the preeminent camp classic of our age — the Citizen Kane of cruddy movies, The Rules of the Game of cinematic schlock. Yes, yes, I know that there have been many bad movies released since then, but it’s a good bet that long after current Razzie favorite I Know Who Killed Me is just another remaindered DVD hogging precious shelf space at the local Blockbuster, The Wicker Man will still be prompting incredulous viewers to ask, “What was that all about?!”

And, like all provocative and transgressive art, The Wicker Man invites, nay, demands a response from the viewer. Below are just a few of those responses, courtesy of YouTube.

For those of you who haven’t seen the movie (or, more likely, have purged it from your memory), lets begin with the 3 Minute Wicker Man, from ninjacarwash.

And now, because too much is never enough, lets move on to the Best Scenes from The Wicker Man, from enoonsti.

How about Wicker Man recut as a comedy? This one is from JasonSly.

Finally, Mike Nelson and the boys from Rifftrax have their way with The Wicker Man.

So, in conclusion, two points to keep in mind:

1. Don’t let the remake prevent you from seeing the original.

2. Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn honey! Not the bees! Not the bees!! Arghhhhh!!! The beeeeees!!!

There are no Banana Trees

There are no banana trees. There is a man and a newspaper. There is hunger, and also thirst. The sun, still low in the eastern sky, rakes the breakfast buffet from the side through the hotel restaurant’s plate glass windows. The silver chafing dishes, positioned at oblique angles to the edge of the breakfast bar, are everywhere quite distinct in this light. There are no banana trees.

From the bottom of the breakfast bar, where the plates, still warm from the dishwasher, are stacked, it is quite easy to count the chafing dishes, particularly since there are only four and the man can count that high in his head. The first contains scrambled eggs, the second breakfast sausage and bacon, the third home fries, and the fourth some sort of pickled something or other — this being a German hotel and this dish — pickled something or other — apparently being the sort of thing that Germans like to eat for breakfast. Further down the bar there is yogurt and cereal if you like yogurt and cereal. There is also orange juice. Fresh squeezed, not from concentrate. Yum. There are no banana trees.

The man, K–, fills his plate (avoiding the pickled something or other) and finds a seat in the bustling restaurant. He sets his plate in the center of the placemat and sets the newspaper to the left of his plate, positioned parallel with the table’s edge. The table is square. The newspaper is rectangular. His plate is round. His fork is long with tines on one end.

The newspaper has six columns of text per page. It reports the news of the day under pithy headlines intended to catch the eye. “EU Split Over Kosovo Recognition.” “Head Scarf Divides Turks.” There are also updates on the latest developments in the sporting world and, on the last page of paper, a collection of familiar daily comics: Peanuts, Dennis the Menace, good old Beetle Bailey. There are no banana trees.

In the lower right corner of page 3, the man notices a short obituary. “Alain Robbe-Grillet, avant-garde writer,” it reads. The man peruses the obituary, chewing slowly at a croissant dipped in raspberry jam.

“At least I never have to sit through Last Year at Marienbad again,” the man says to no one in particular in the tone of one who prefers not to show what he is thinking about — if anything — and always flashes the same smile, which can be interpreted as derision just a well as affection, or the total absence of any feeling whatever. Still, there are no banana trees.

Happy Valleyentines Day, Part 2

It can be a challenge to put our most intimate feelings into words, but then a song comes along that does it perfectly, and with such style.

This one is going out to Mrs. Kamper!!

Happy Valleyentines Day, baby, 21 and counting.

Happy Valleyentines Day!!

From those irrepressible scamps over at Something Awful come a batch of Valentines greetings. These are from a while back (2006, to be exact), but, hey, great comedy never goes out of style.

The topic: A Very Star Wars Valentines.

See them all here.

Here’s wishing you all a Happy Valleyentines Day!!

Credit: AmishMafia001, Something Awful

Credit: Food Boner, Something Awful

Credit: Android Thumper, Something Awful

Local Mathematician Develops James Brown Numerical System

Professor Brian J. Gilchrist, a professor of Xtreme Mathematics at the University of Massachusetts, held a press conference on Wednesday to announce that he had developed a radical new numerical system based on the pioneering work of soul singer James Brown. Professor Gilchrist predicted that the new system would be used to quantify hitherto uncharted areas of the funk universe.

“It’s a quaternary, or base-4, numbering system,” Professor Gilchrist explained, “except instead of using the digits of 0, 1, 2, and 3, as in a traditional quaternary system, the James Brown system uses the Brown-specific digits of 1, 2, 3, huh!.”

According to Gilchrist, it is the introduction of this new digit, huh!, that makes the system so radical, and so versatile. “Huh! is a wild card, not unlike the Godfather of Soul himself. As such, this funky integer will allow us to accurately calculate the FI, or Funk Index, of any equation.”

“With this system,” he said, “we no longer need to wonder what is the Sound of the Funky Drummer, because we will know precisely. And now when James asks, ‘Can I take it to the bridge?,’ we can correctly answer, ‘Yes, you may. In precisely 3 point huh! seconds.’”

An assistant professor then draped a cape over Professor Gilchrist’s shoulders and attempted to lead him off the podium, but Gilchrist shrugged him off and returned to the microphone.

“You’ve heard of the fuzzy math?” he asked, and the gathered reporters answered, “Yeah!”

“You’ve heard of the fuzzy math?” he asked again, and the reporters answered, “Yeah!”

“You’ve heard of the fuzzy math?” he asked for a third time, and the reporters answered, “Yeah!”

“Well, this here is the funky math! What I say? Funky math, yeah!”

Massachusetts Residents Will Be Damned if They Can Recall a Single Thing about Romney’s Term as Governor

As former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney continues his presidential campaign, Massachusetts residents are struggling to recall a single, solitary thing he did or said during his term as their governor. One life-long resident, Ralph Tierkel, said, “Geez, I remember when he got elected, only because I voted for Shannon O’Brien, but after that he pretty much fell off my radar. I guess that’s a good thing.”

Mitt Romney took office as governor of Massachusetts on January 2, 2003 and his term ended on January 4, 2007. During his term he cut spending and raised taxes to close a budget deficit, passed a 2006 law requiring all residents to have health insurance, and unsuccessfully opposed the legalization of same-sex marriage.

Another lifelong Baystater, Karen Kaplan, said of Romney, “My sister called me from California and asked for my take on Romney given the upcoming primary, and I didn’t have a single thing to tell her. Nothing whatsoever.” When pushed to recall something Romney had done, Kaplan thought for a while and then said, “I know he ran the Olympics, but that was in Utah.”

Dennis Bailin, a first year law student at Harvard, compared the governor’s tenure to a mediocre action movie. “You know you saw it, but a few days later you can’t remember anything about it, not a single scene or a line of dialog. Nothing sticks out. Romney’s like that. Not terrible by any means — he was no Battlefield Earth — but nothing to get too excited about either. More like Sahara or National Treasure 2.”

Cloverfield Monster Revealed (Again)

From superdeluxe.com comes “The Cloverfield Bootleg.”