Happy Valley News has learned that Vice President Dick Cheney has sent a Terminator back in time to kill the mother of administration critic Joe Wilson before he is ever born. Joe Wilson wrote a July 6, 2003 editorial in the New York Times that questioned key components of the Bush Administration’s rationale for the Iraq war. In attempting to debunk the editorial, administration sources revealed that Joe Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame, was an undercover CIA agent, a crime that eventually led to Cheney’s chief of staff, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, being convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice charges.
The Vice President agreed to discuss the Terminator mission on the assumption that, when it succeeds, the conversation will never have happened, since the subject under discussion will never have existed. Vice President Cheney revealed that he had chosen a classic T-101 model (from the first movie) for the mission rather than the more advanced T-1000 model (from Terminator 2: Judgement Day) or the T-X model (from Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines) out of nostalgia and the assumption that Joe Wilson’s mother would not put up much of a fight. “Also,” the Vice President said, “Arnold is a good Republican.”
Vice President Cheney further revealed that once the Terminator was successful in eliminating Joe Wilson’s mother, additional names would be added to his list, including Patrick Fitzgerald’s mother, the mothers of the all CIA analysts who contributed to the most recent NIE on Iran, and Keith Olbermann’s entire family tree.
When asked why he didn’t send the Terminator back in time to kill the mothers of, say, Adolf Hitler or Saddam Hussein, the Vice President asked the reporter for the correct spelling of his mother’s maiden name.
The last line would be a lot funnier if you hadn’t misspelled “Olbermann” in the previous paragraph.
Picky, picky!
A definite 10 on the hilarity index.
Fixed. Thanks. Didn’t realize that Olbermann used the Germanic double N. He seems like such a nice boy. He should add an umlaut over the O — you know, like Motley Crue and Motorhead.
The umlaut in Motorhead was suggested by an executive at Bronze Records way back when. There’s a funny story behind it. Bronze Records was (and might still be) owned by a member of the Bron family, hence the name. (I dated the niece of the owner in the 80s.) It’s the same family as Eleanor Bron, who played the mysterious Indian woman in the Beatles movie Help! The Bron family is Jewish; escapees from Hitler’s Germany. They were a tad hung up on this issue, as you might expect. They thought that an umlaut would make the band seem more sinister and, therefore, more likely to sell records. One of their other main heavy bands at the time was Girlschool, which I was surprised didn’t also have an umlaut. Their best known band was Uriah Heap; it didn’t surprise me that they didn’t.
Cheers
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