11 Not-So-Harsh Interrogation Tactics

From William Tracy at 23/6, the new satirical news site from the Huffington Post, come 11 not-so-harsh interrogation tactics for use in Iraq, Afghanistan, Guantanamo, and any number of secret CIA prisoner sites.

My favorites:

1. Replace regular showerheads with super-low-pressure eco-friendly showerheads. Pretend old showerheads have to be ordered from factory in Tucson.

2. Play cassette tape of Telephone Line by Electric Light Orchestra. Stop tape before chorus.

5. Offer to loan detainee VHS copy of Tootsie, tape over last twenty minutes with 2002 Grammy Awards coverage.

6. Stock interrogation room mini-fridge with Vitamin Waters. Make some arbitrary rule about how they’re for “interrogators only.”

8. Two words: Evan Almighty.

9. Convince detainee to stay out and continue drinking at bar even though he knows he has a big interrogation in the morning.

10. Schedule February interrogation during Lost.

Here are the rest.
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And here are a few of my own:

12. Mall walking.

13. Promise Quizznos; deliver Rallys.

14. Get detainee all excited about trip to the beach this weekend, then on day of trip change destination to pool at Motel 6.

15. Issue detainee orange jumpsuit that doesn’t breathe, has frayed cuffs, and fits snugly through the thighs and buttocks.

16. Require that detainee become conversant in details of Ellen’s dog controversy.

17. Keep changing his Sleep Number without telling him.

18. During rendition, fly detainee coach on America West. Refuse to credit miles.