Happy Valley News Hour

Okay, maybe it is actually, you know, sort of funny.

From The Chaser’s War on Everything

A recent poetry reading by local poet Janice Smyth-Howell appears to have attracted a complete stranger, according to the author and several attendees. The reading was held Tuesday night in the Trustees Room of the Jones Library to celebrate the release of Ms. Smyth-Howell’s new book of poetry, Stillness and the Small Knowing: New & Selected Poems. In addition to the stranger, the reading was attended by eleven people, including Ms. Smyth-Howell’s partner, her mother, her psychotherapist, her massage therapist, her acupuncturist and her bikram yoga instructor, as well as several of her poet friends. The stranger was a male Caucasian, mid-thirties, with thinning brown hair and a beard, wearing khakis and a blue denim shirt. He arrived several minutes after the reading began and left immediately after it finished, stopping at the refreshment table on his way out for several cookies and a cup of coffee.

“At first I thought it was my partner Lauren’s brother,” Ms. Smyth-Howell reported. “I know he lives in Holyoke. But it wasn’t. Then I thought maybe it was Susan my acupuncturist’s new boyfriend, because she said he invited him, but she didn’t know him either.” A quick poll of the remaining attendees confirmed that the stranger was indeed just that: a stranger.

The hypnotic beat of reggae music wafted across the Amherst Common on Saturday as hundreds of residents, students and out-of-town visitors celebrated the seventh annual Amherst Hempfest and Alternative Living Faire. The festival featured speakers, bands, informational booths and merchants, all gathered to extol the myriad virtues of industrial hemp as a vital and renewable natural resource. Visitors could purchase hemp-based clothing, hats, bags, bath towels, footwear and paper, as well as hempseed oil, hemp-based nutritional supplements, hemp-based flour and pasta, even a non-dairy ice cream made from hemp. The festival was one big party, and, according to organizers, a ‘hemptastic’ time was had by all.

Well, nearly all. One man, Julius P. Hart, was not having a hemptastic time. Not in the least.

Mr. Hart is an advocate for jute, which, like hemp, is a natural vegetable fiber with many commercial and industrial uses. Mr. Hart had come to the hemp festival thinking he would find a willing audience for his heartfelt message about the many benefits of jute, which is also known as burlap and grown mainly in Bangladesh. According to Mr. Hart, jute can be grown without fertilizers or pesticides. It is one of the strongest natural fibers, so is ideal for twine, rope, cordage and netting. “And just like hemp, it can even be made into clothing,” Mr. Hart insisted, showing off his burlap vest.

But whereas hemp had hundreds of enthusiastic advocates that day, jute had only one. The card table Mr. Hart had set up on the outskirts of the festival remained deserted, his self-printed pamphlets ignored and unread. No curious visitors asked about the single bolt of rough woven, rust-colored fabric he’d brought along. “I just thought that, here of all places, there would be more interest in jute,” Mr. Hart bemoaned. “But it’s clear there’s only room for one industrial vegetable fiber in their hearts, and it will never be jute.”

But Mr. Hart has not given up his quest, and, in fact, is considering expanding his advocacy activities. “I’ve been getting more interested in ramie, and sisal looks intriguing,” he said.

Photo: Jute. It’s no hemp.

Well, well, well. It looks as though the funny folks at the Onion finally have decided to set their satirical sights on that most venerable of American institutions: Taco Night.

Well, hardy har har. That story is a regular laff riot. Only problem is Happy Valley News has already been there, done that.

Dudes, we hit Taco Night six months ago!

Onionites, you’ve got to face facts: Taco Night is played. Just leave it.

So how about we make a deal? You stick to your dead-on skewering of politics, media, celebrities, consumer culture, advertising and technology.

But, please, leave Taco Night to us.