Happy Valley News Hour

From Something Awful comes news that product placements are becoming more blatant as advertisers strive to capture the attention of an increasingly fickle and sophisticated public. See more here. A word of warning: Those with cherished Judeo-Christian beliefs or even just a working notion of right and wrong should probably avoid this link.

Source: bitreaper, Something Awful Photoshop Phriday

Source: Depressing Drawers, Something Awful Photoshop Phriday

Psst. Check out Grizzly Adams. Over my shoulder. The other shoulder. Jeez, be cool about it! Practice a little, you know, surveillance savvy. Is he totally going to town on those corn chips or what? He’s chowing down! Those chips don’t stand a chance! He’s at eight, nine, eleven, fifteen. Maybe he thinks they mean one bag per customer! Uh oh, chips are running low, it’s down to crumbs. No way! Is he drinking that salsa?! Now he’s headed for the wheat crackers and cubes of aged parmesan cheese. It’s a real free sample disgrace.

Brian Kitchener, a 20 year old sophomore at the University of Massachusetts, has been acting like a real dick ever since reading Atlas Shrugged, his friends and family report. Considered Ayn Rand’s masterpiece, Atlas Shrugged was published in 1957 and lays out in a fictional format the principles of Rand’s Objectivist philosophy. Brian reportedly read the novel for an English class, “Philosophy as Literature.”

One friend, Greg Kunst, said, “Look, I don’t know what Atlas Shrugged says because I’ve never read it, but whatever it says turned him into a jerk.” When asked to elaborate, Mr. Kunst said, “The other day I asked him to give me five bucks for beer and he told me that I was a leech on the fruit of his labors.” Mr. Kunst laughed. “His labors? His parents send him money every month!”

Brian broke off contact with another friend, Kip Talbot, because he is undecided on a major. “He denounced me because my life lacks a consuming passion,” Mr. Talbot said. “He said I’m trapped by my own victimhood and afraid to embrace my own autonomous power as an individual.” According to Mr. Talbot, Brian himself was undecided on his major until this semester, but no longer. “Brian has decided he’s going to be an industrialist.”

And those aren’t the only radical changes Brian has made in his life since reading the book. Last week, he broke up with his girlfriend of 14 months, Amanda Criss. “He told me I was no Dagny Taggart,” she said. Ms. Criss, who read Atlas Shrugged in high school, retorted, “Okay, so maybe I’m no Dagny Taggart, but I can tell you that Brian is no John Galt. Industrialist?! He doesn’t even have a job!”

Brian’s parents have been similarly baffled by his recent behavior. “He told us we’d been hoodwinked by mysticism because we go to church every Sunday,” his father, Bill Kitchener Sr., said. “And when his mother started crying he said she was irrational and a slave to her emotions. I’ve half a mind to stop paying his tuition and living expenses, then we’ll see how rational he is!”

When contacted for comment for this article, Brian replied with a single-spaced, 65 page treatise justifying his recent behavior as necessary and indeed virtuous, while condemning the moral and ethical depravity of his critics, whom he called “the sucker fish of the capitalist system.”

Photo: Ayn Rand, author of Atlas Shrugged and purported cause of Brian Kitchener’s recent dickish behavior
Source: Britannica Student Encyclopedia, September 13, 2007. http://student.britannica.com/ebi/art-57587

With approval ratings below 30 percent, President Bush faces dwindling support for his Iraq policy. But the latest defection may be the most painful yet: Barney, President Bush’s seven year old Scottish Terrier, has withdrawn his support for the war. According to highly placed White House sources, Barney has been dubious about the Iraq mission for some time, but agreed to wait until the so-called surge had been given a chance to show results. However, Barney was unimpressed with today’s congressional testimony by General David Petraeus. “As a canine,” Barney said, “I have a pretty high standard for sitting up and begging, and General Petraeus leaves much to be desired in this department. Now Alberto Gonzales, there was a lapdog!”

Like all of Bush’s inner circle, Barney has been consistently loyal to President Bush throughout his presidency, with one notable exception. In 2006, during the run up to the last midterm elections, Barney broke with the President by speaking out publicly against a proposed law in Georgia that would have banned butt sniffing. Though the law received broad Republican support, Barney denounced it as a draconian intrusion into the doghouses of America. “When butt sniffing is criminalized,” Barney said at the time, “only criminals will sniff butts.” The law was eventually struck down.

For Bush, who once told Bob Woodward that he would not withdraw from Iraq “even if Laura (Bush) and Barney are the only ones supporting me,” the development leaves him more isolated than ever. “Well, as long as I’ve still got Laura I guess that’s good enough,” the President said. Sitting beside him, the First Lady coughed politely behind her hand.

Photo: Barney, Iraq War Skeptic, May 13, 2004.
Source: http://www.whitehouse.gov/barney/#

The Pad Thai served at Northampton’s Taste of Bangkok restaurant isn’t as good as the Pad Thai in Thailand, reported some jerk sitting at a nearby table Thursday. “Actual Pad Thai,” the source said, “is dryer, lighter and not all drenched in oil.” His High Holy Dipshit also informed all those within the sound of his voice (i.e., the entire restaurant) that “real” Pad Thai doesn’t rely so heavily on peanuts to carry the flavor. To cement his status as an utter knob, the anonymous blowhard insisted on consistently using some lame pronunciation of Thailand’s most popular dish that sounded like “pet tie.” Neither the manager of Taste of Bangkok nor His Majesty King Phumiphon Adunyadet, the current King of Thailand, were available for comment on this matter as of press time.