You know that thing where you ask someone where they’re from and they go, “Ware,” and you go, “Where?” and they go, “I’m from Ware,” and you cup your hand to your ear like you don’t understand what they said and you ask, “Where??” and they heave a sigh and say, “It’s really a pleasant little town,” and you, giggling like a jackass at your own cleverness, say, “I’m sure it is, but where is it?”
Well, Ware doesn’t think that joke is funny. Ware never thought that joke was funny. Ware was just being polite. “Do they think I’ve never heard it before?” a frustrated Ware recently confided to Happy Valley News. “This town was incorporated in 1775, for heaven’s sake. Do they really think they’re the first person to realize that my name is a homonym for an adverb?”
So cool it with the Ware jokes.
And while you’re at it, lay off Athol as well.
Martha Winkel, a University of Massachusetts sophomore who had pledged in April to ‘revirgin’ herself by living a life of abstinence until marriage, was redeflowered on Saturday night, Happy Valley News Hour has learned. Ms. Winkel made the abstinence pledge at a True Love Waits rally on the UMASS campus in April, while the redeflowering occurred in her dorm room after an end-of-the-term Fellowship Party at the Young Campus Christians Club. The redeflowerer, UMASS junior Todd Gitlik, was himself a self-identified revirgin, making the act of copulation a rare double deflowering. Ms. Winkel’s original virginity was taken in 2004. Upon waking on Sunday morning, both Ms. Winkel and Mr. Gitlik pledged to re-revirgin themselves, which is expected to last until the Fourth of July weekend, when Mr. Gitlik is scheduled to visit Ms. Winkel at her family’s home in Pennsylvania.
