Happy Valley News Hour

A routine lunch date has caused a severe case of the Omnivore’s Dilemma for one local man, Sunderland native Dan O’Leary. Mr. O’Leary agreed to go out to lunch with his coworkers but took so long to order that the entire party was late returning to the office. “I haven’t been out to eat in a while and, geez, the menu just seemed so overwhelming,” Mr. O’Leary reported. “There were appetizers and soups and salads and sandwiches and hamburgers and pasta. And what did I know about the origins of any of it? Nothing. Where did all these ingredients come from? I don’t know. So first I asked the waitress whether the beef was corn-fed or grass-fed, because anyone who has read Michael Pollan’s book knows that the entire industrial food chain is based on corn. But she didn’t know. So I asked her where the organic broccoli in the soup of the day was grown, because I’m trying to eat a strict 100 mile diet, but she didn’t know that either. By then everyone at the table was thoroughly irritated with me.” In the end, Mr. O’Leary ordered nothing from the menu and instead foraged a small salad of edible greens from the vacant field behind the restaurant.

Alright, this is getting friggin’ ridiculous! Another year, another call from you cancer research people. I just gave you twenty-five bucks last year! And I gave at least twenty the year before. So I’ve got to ask the obvious question, which is what in the hell are you doing with all that money? Now in my job as a salesman for Route Nine Liquor and ATVs, I work strictly on commission, so you know I’ve got to show results before I collect the extra sharp cheddar. Maybe it’s time we tried that with you people. So how about showing some results before I pony up? Look, I’m not asking for any of the biggies — I’m not saying you’ve got to cure lung cancer or brain cancer or anything, but how about throwing us a bone? Something like, oh, say hemangioendothelioma? I’ll tell you what, sweetheart. You do that and this twenty-five bucks is yours.

A student art show currently on display at the Student Union Art Gallery on the University of Massachusetts campus has utterly blown the lid off of middle class hypocrisy and apathy. The show, “Roveywade,” is the MFA thesis of UMASS student Kimberly Watkins. “Roveywade” encompasses fiber art, sculpture, paintings, a video installation and even found objects, suggesting that there is no medium that Ms. Watkins cannot deftly bend to her purpose of mercilessly exposing the mendacity and craven consumerism of the American middle class in the first decade of the 21st century.

One recent visitor was clearly shaken by what she’d seen. Carol Goodwin, a 44-year-old self-described Soccer Mom, had visited the gallery completely by chance during a long walk on campus, but what she saw changed her life forever. “I was only looking for a pleasant distraction and perhaps a few minutes out of the sun, but after seeing this show I now understand that my entire life has been a distraction.” Standing before a work entitled “Mommy?,” which consisted of a pile of found objects including a broken blender and rusted out steel bucket, Mrs. Goodwin observed, “How did my life come to this? And is it too late to change? Too late for me, too late for our country, too late for our world?” Wiping away a tear, she added, “Before walking in here today I couldn’t wait to get back to my day-to-day life, but seeing this powerful student art has made me realize that I have no life to go back to.”

The show runs through May 24th. Gallery hours are Mon-Thurs, 10-5.

A contra dance at the American Legion hall in Granby on Saturday night ended in tragedy when a new couple did a do-si-do instead of a promenade, causing injuries to several neighbors. It was the worst dance-related mishap in the town since the Great Swing Dance Disaster of aught two. Dudley Duke Hill, the evening’s caller, told Happy Valley News, “Ayuh, this particular gent was having a devil of a time all evening. Couldn’t seem to circle left or right, didn’t know an allemande from a gypsy, and was forever taking his lady down the hall ’stead of up the hall.” According to witnesses, during the last dance of the evening, Lady Walpole’s Reel, the man became visibly flustered during the cast off and went into a panicked do-si-do, causing complete contra mayhem. Sources indicate that the man moved to New England from Los Angeles only recently, in 1980.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney have resigned their offices effective immediately, citing Leverett’s recent vote for impeachment. On April 28, 2007, Leverett’s Town Meeting approved an article recommending that Congress impeach Bush and Cheney for a wide range of offenses. The measure followed a similar impeachment vote by the town of Whately on April 24. In his resignation announcement, which was carried live on national television, a subdued and nearly tearful George Bush said, “These votes have hit us hard. First Whately and now Leverett? How much can one administration take? Back in November 2006, when Amherst voted for impeachment, we thought it was an aberration, or maybe a miscount like the 2000 election. But now we must admit it was not. I’ve always operated under the belief that a leader cannot govern without the consent of the governed, and if this administration has lost the faith of Leverett, not to mention Whately, then it’s clear we’ve lost the faith of America.” Former President Bush is expected to return to his Crawford, Texas ranch, where a lifetime of brush clearing awaits him. Former Vice President Cheney immediately evaporated in a whiff of sulfurous smoke. A spokesperson for Leverett’s Town Meeting, Tom Bibbincott, said in a statement, “All Hail President Pelosi!”

Northampton resident Craig T. Blentikoff’s efforts to live a Carbon Neutral Lifestyle are turning out to be just another excuse never to get off the couch, friends of the unemployed 24-year-old man report. “Last week I ask him to hike Mount Tom,” Brian Hitch, a friend, reported, “and he gives me this whole song and dance about ‘reducing his carbon footprint’ or some shit. I say, dude, it’s walking. But he just muttered something about permafrost and hung up.” Mandy Quinn, his girlfriend of three months, confirms that Mr. Blentikoff cited the effects of global warming to get out of accompanying her to see the film In the Land of Women. “Then he turns around and sees 300 on opening night. He claimed he bought some carbon offsets on-line, but he didn’t even have a receipt or anything.”

Contributed by Baer, HVNH Cub Reporter

The Amherst School Committee voted (4-1) on Monday to eliminate math and reading from the Elementary School Curriculum due to budget shortfalls. “Due to Amherst’s current budget crisis, we are being forced to cut back,” explained Amherst School Committee Chair James Graham. “We felt that we just could not afford to lose our focus on art and music, so something had to go.” Mr. Graham inisisted the programs would not be missed. “In today’s Internet age, reading and math are not as important as clicking, so we’ve adapted the curriculum to reflect that. More clicking, less reading, that’s our motto.” Mr. Graham did acknowledge that the schools would retain the popular and successful RIF (Reading is Fundamental) program, with some updating for the 21st Century. “We’re still using it, only RIF now stands for Reading is Fairly important.” As for math, Mr. Graham believes kids are getting enough at home. “Our students are already adept at knowing precisely how many pedestrians they must run over before leveling up in Grand Theft Auto, and you can’t tell me that doesn’t take some math skill.”