Happy Valley News Hour

In a last-ditch attempt to stick to his strict three-times-per-week workout schedule, South Amherst resident Ryan Hanson recently expanded his definition of workout to include a walk to the gas station to buy the newspaper. “It’s a half-mile there, half-mile back,” Hanson explained. “Perhaps it’s even a bit more, so maybe three-quarters there and three-quarters back. Call it a mile and a half total, give or take. That’s nothing to sneeze at.” Other activities now falling under the rubric of workout now include mowing the lawn, anything involving a rake, bringing cat litter in from the car, returning cans and bottles to the redemption center, hosing down the driveway, and some bowel movements.

Adiminstrators at Amherst Middle School have adopted a new Gender Sensitivity Program that will require girls pee standing up. According to Gertrude Halstead, the Hadley-based clinical psychologist who designed the program, the goal of the project is to raise gender awareness among girls. “Despite years of re-education efforts,” Ms. Halstead said, “many girls today remain woefully ignorant of the biological inconveniences faced every day by this nation’s 150 million boys and men.” Halstead insists that the program will have real world benefits for girls throughout their lives by making them more sensitive to the limitations of this historically disenfrachised group. “It is simply not in the genetic makeup of boys to remember to put the seat down,” Halstead said, “so expecting them to do so is actually a pernicious form of cultural disempowerment.” In a related program, girls will be discouraged from speaking to their fathers when they are trying to read the newspaper.

In a surprise development, Amherst College today announced that it was recalling its entire 2006 graduating class. According to an Amherst College spokesperson, a clerical error in the Provost office back in 2002 inadvertently replaced the school’s undergraduate curriculum with a synopsis of the 1986 Rodney Dangerfield comedy Back to School. The mistake was caught this week when a cleaning person discovered the real curriculum behind a filing cabinet. The 2006 graduates will be readmitted as sophomores and will receive a 20% discount on their tuition. Amherst College President Anthony Marx said in a statement, “We regret any inconvenience this glitch may have caused to these non-graduates, but we simply cannot have a bunch of sub-literate dunderheads running around out there with our diplomas. Since 1821, the Amherst College brand has been synonymous with Quality, Reliability and Craftsmanship, and I aim to keep it that way. You have my word on it, or my name’s not Anthony Marx.”

The University of Massachusetts has become the first school in the country to establish an endowed chair in Xtreme Mathematics. According to Elizabeth Winthrop-Jones, Director of Development for the university, the new faculty position was made possible by a $1 million donation from Jake “Spider” Blakely, the skateboarding/surfing tycoon. Ms. Winthrop-Jones explained that, in addition to being a lifelong enthusiast of extreme sports, Mr. Blakely is an accomplished amateur mathematician. This endowment is a chance to bring those two interests together. In keeping with the spirit of the gift, the new faculty position will be dedicated to living on the edge 24/7/365 and pushing the boundaries of mathematics to their absolute limit and beyond. “No rules, man,” Ms. Winthrop-Jones promised, “this will be balls-to-the-wall mathematics. This stuff will be so out there it will make the Taniyama-Shimura-Weil conjecture look like 2+2=4.” Administration sources expect the innovative program to keep the university out on the freaky tip of theoretical mathematics for years to come.

Early reports that tonight might be Taco Night have been officially confirmed. Taco Night, Taco Night, tonight is gonna be Taco Night. What I say? Taco Night.

Hopes for Taco Night were kindled over breakfast when an otherwise routine discussion about potential dinner menus first introduced the suggestion that perhaps tonight we could have Taco Night. However, these fledgling hopes were cruelly dashed in the early afternoon when logistical problems arose with the Taco Night supply chain. Specifically, it was revealed that an integral player in the planning and execution of Taco Night would be unable to make it to the grocery store. At that time, it was suggested that Taco Night be postponed and that pizza or perhaps leftover 3-bean soup be substituted instead.

But in a startling late afternoon development, highly placed administration sources indicated that the necessary shopping had been “squeezed in,” and that Taco Night was on. Even with this confirmation, some potential Taco Night participants refused to get their hopes up until all of the necessary components — ground beef, packet of taco seasoning mix, sour cream, shredded cheese, tomato, lettuce, taco sauce (Mexican style, medium) and of course taco shells — had been gathered on the kitchen counter, to the right of the sink. Taco Night is expected to commence at approximately 6:00 pm (EST) with the ceremonial shredding of the lettuce and chopping of the tomato. Tacos will be served beginning at 6:15 on a serve-yourself basis.

To recap: It’s Taco Night.

Lord knows I’ve had my share of differences with Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, but I’ve got to come to his defense on the subject of varmint hunting. For those of you who may be out of the loop, Mitt is taking a lot of guff in the media over his statements regarding his hunting history, or lack thereof. After characterizing himself a “lifelong hunter” on the campaign trail, Mitt was confronted with the fact that he a. has never had a hunting license and b. has only been hunting twice in his life. In response, Mitt explained that he hunted small game, which didn’t require a license. “I’ve always always been a rabbit and rodent hunter,” he said. “Small varmints, if you will.”

Ah heck, why don’t I just let him tell you himself in his own inimitable style?

Now some of you more cynical types out there may take these fumbling assertions as nothing more than ham-handed and ultimately craven attempts to pander to the basest elements of his right-wing consituency. But nothing could be further from the truth, because I’m here to tell you that varmint hunting is very popular here in Massachusetts. A 2006 survey by the Massachusetts Department of Recreation and Conservation ranked the five most popular outdoor activities in the state as follows:
1. Polo
2. Hunting (varmint)
3. Crew/rowing
4. Hunting (small birds, flightless)
5. tie: Ulltimate and Shakespeare under the stars

As you can plainly see, we Baystaters love our varmint hunting almost as much as we love our Shakespeare! And it’s not only varmints. Critters, rodents, scamps, vermin, we hunt them all. Why just last week I was taking a hike on the Robert Frost trail up in the Holyoke range. Of course I had brought along my varmint rifle (a Remington .22, though you may prefer the stopping power of the Kimber mini-Mauser) just in case anything warm and furry crossed my path. Wouldn’t you know it, in less than an hour I’d shot an badger, two squirrels and what I’m pretty sure was a chipmunk. And like Mitt said, the best part is that no license is required. Just head into the hills and blast away!

So I hope now all those media elites snickering at Mitt will give him a break. He’s here, he’s a hunter, get used to it. In fact, Mitt is justifiably famous throughout New England for his Varmint and Root Vegetable Stew (hint: serve it with a nice Cabernet Sauvignon or maybe a peppy Cotes du Rhone).

But it’s not only Mitt. Massachusetts politicians have always been avid hunters. Why else would John Kerry have gone geese hunting in Ohio just two weeks before the 2004 election? If that’s not the sign of a true outdoorsman then I don’t know what is.

Or Mike Dukakis. That’s right, I’m talking the Duke. Big, big hunter. After all, what do you think he was doing in that tank? You guessed it. Hunting. Only it wasn’t varmints he was after. Oh no, he was after bigger game. Some would call it the Ultimate Prey.

Following up on its November 1, 2006 resolution voicing support for the Islamic Republic of Iran, Amherst Town Meeting today passed a new resolution denying that the Holocaust ever occurred. “It seemed the next logical step,” said Town Meeting spokesperson Dorothy Baynes-Babcock-Whitstone. “We wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings about such a passionately held conviction.” The resolution also called into question the Apollo moon landings, HIV/AIDS and the female orgasm.

American geophysicist Marion King Hubbert’s 1956 theory of Peak Oil, which posits that oil usage will rise to a peak and then steadily decline as resources are depleted, received a real-world validation this week in UMASS student Brad Finnerman’s 1987 Toyota Corolla. The vehicle, which has 207,000 miles on it, now burns nearly a quart of motor oil every day, up from a quart of oil every other day just a week ago, and a quart per week just a month ago. “It’s getting ridiculous the way it’s going up, up up,” Mr. Finnerman reported, prompting him to finally scrounge up the money to get his valve seals replaced. Once he does, the vehicle’s oil consumption can be expected to decline, thus mirroring the usage pattern forecast by the standard Hubbert Curve. The car, which Mr. Finnerman purchased last year for $500, also has confirmed Hubbert’s theories on resource depletion, as it has depleted all of Mr. Finerman’s resources, which, as Hubbert accurately predicted, are quite finite.

The international banking system is heading toward utter collapse, a man standing in line at the Hadley post office reported Monday. The anonymous source provided no documentation for his allegations, but insisted that the collapse was both imminent and inevitable. Those with money still in the banks were advised to withdraw it immediately, though it won’t make much difference in the long run since the currency will be worthless in a few years anyway, the source added before being called to the next available window.

On Tuesday, the Pioneer Valley’s only Tibetan restaurant, Northampton’s Taste of Tibet, was taken over by a neighboring Chinese restaurant, Beijing Garden. The unexpected deal was not without controversy. The restaurant’s former owners allege that the takeover was hostile as well as illegal, while the new owners insist that they in fact had been invited in and were welcomed as honored guests. The new owners promised to bring “stability and harmony” to the eatery, which will still serve Tibetan cuisine, though with a decidedly Chinese flair. The first task of the new management will be to dismantle the restaurant’s antiquated decor in favor of something more modern and forward-looking. Once the new owners have had time to rid the establishment of what they called its “reactionary elements,” the Western public would be invited back to see for themselves the glorious revolution that has taken place there.